The characters around here - Motorcycle Man Theories

Originally posted July 4, 2010

Over the week, hubby was home because of lieu time from work.  We spent a LOT of time together.

And in that time, we theorized why Motorcycle Man has to idle for so long when he goes off.

1.  Motorcycle Man has a small penis.  The loud vroom vroom sounds make him feel better about himself.
2.  Motorcycle Man is also short.  Double whammy.
3.  Motorcycle Man seems to be avoiding Gramma's nagging whenever he goes off.  Already, he puts his iPod earbuds in, then vroom vrooms around for a bit.  We're not sure if he actually hears her.  Probably not, because he probably doesn't hear our yelling (from inside the house), "Just get on with it already and leave!"
4.  It's some kind of mating call.
5.  It's some kind of celebratory thing.  (Hooray!  It's not raining and I don't have to drive the car that says "Gramma"!)
6.  Motorcycle Man is poor (because he lives with Gramma) and buys his gas from some shady dude who makes his own brand.  Saturday mornings is when it really craps up the bike.

The characters around here

Bryan and Elisa, mid-30s, Deb's hubby's best friend and wife.  Which makes them couple friends.

While Bryan and Elisa are the best thing to have come from the same small town suburban purgatory which Deb now finds herself in, the ironic thing is that Bryan and Elisa escaped months after Deb and Hubby's initial move-in, and now live in Toronto.  In this sitcom, they're the perfect secondary characters, because they truly do "give explanations of the hero, the hero's world, and have scenes where the hero is allowed to express thoughts, desires, goals, plans and values."

Bryan has been Hubby's best friend since age 11, and married  Elisa several years ago.  Deb and Hubby remember when Bryan was single, and think that Elisa is a perfect match for him. Bryan sometimes provides history, context, and background for Deb, which is immensely helpful in figuring out the World of Hubby.


Of all the characters on the show, Deb and Hubby prefer to travel with Bryan and Elisa the most, which makes for great episodes* since Deb is so admittedly weird.  B and E are well-traveled, adventurous, food and wine lovers, university-educated professionals, and good conversationalists, but most of all, easygoing, which is a stark contrast to Deb's uptightness and creative type/professional writer-explained OCD tendencies.  Deb appreciates that B and E (E especially) are really supportive of her career and never make her feel bad for her quirks (like frequent visits to the bathroom and late night crankiness).  They also act as culinary guinea pigs, and Deb is occasionally unsure if they're just being super polite about ugly food.


* in the case where these characters are used in a sitcom
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In this past weekend's episode: 

Deb and Hubby met up with B and E at Bryan's parents' cottage which has been in the family for a number of years.  This is Hubby's favourite northern location, and looks forward to visiting whenever invited.  This is probably his twelfth time, and Deb's second.  Hubby is so excited about visiting the cottage, that last year, he (and Deb) drove 3 hours to the cottage, back 3 hours to attend an inflexible appointment, and 3 hours to drive back to the cottage.  (Then 3 hours back home.)

It's a beautiful location, backed by the lake, with two bunkhouses, gorgeous deck and an outdoor hot tub.  If push came to shove, the cottage could accommodate 11 with an RV parked in front.


This episode (Season 2, episode 16) is lighthearted with a playful tone.  Deb is on a quest to replace a missing earring from a set bought from a beachfront jewelry shop.  Hubby debates whether a dog is in their future while he plays with Bryan's family's dogs.  Deb reveals a little more detail as to why she hates her 10-minutes-from-farm-land purgatory, and figures out why she loves, not hates, cottage country, since cottage country is quite similar to her town which she despises.  Hubby inadvertently gloats about getting one bug bite, while Deb deals with her fear of bug bites (because on her, they flatten out and form shapes like Germany).  Deb enjoys the time with B and E, Bryan's parents, uncle and aunt, and tries to figure out the factors which make Bryan's family dynamics an ideal in-law situation.

The characters around here

The Hillbilly Porch Dwellers, late 40s-early 50s

At the entrance to the townhouse complex, both houses are home to what Deb and her husband refer to as the "Hillbilly Porch Dwellers."  These women are often found sitting on their front porches, chain-smoking and staring down the oncoming traffic, both vehicular and pedestrian.  While such neighbours might be useful as a members of the Neighbourhood Watch, "watch" in this case is used simply as a verb and not a noun.

Generally, activities such as reading, use of a laptop, actively watching one's own children playing or meaningful social interaction with others might be considered a good use of time while front porch dwelling.  Inactivity renders one as creepy and without better things to do with one's time.  Conversation with the Hillbilly Porch Dwellers has been kept to a bare minimum as the staring and chain-smoking often serves as a force field-like perimeter for avoidance.

One might guess that these women (in two separate houses) are perhaps in their early 50s, but could very well be in their late 30s.  Smoking has definitely taken its toll on what could perhaps have been beautiful, tooth-filled smiles and facial skin that now bears a striking semblance to raisins.

The characters around here

Motorcycle Man, age unknown, 5'3", stocky but not fat

Motorcycle Man lives across the street with an elderly lady who, for various valid reasons, we call "Gramma."  Gramma herself seems to be an elusive character, wary of strangers (maybe more so minorities*), venturing outside very little but leaving her garage and front door open quite often.  There are a lot of non-business-oriented pickup trucks that come to visit her.**  With her magnetized car ribbons, Gramma supports the troops, and to my delight, has now changed the magnetized car ribbon to promote organ donation.

I theorize that Motorcycle Man is either 

1a) unemployed, or

1b) works shifts of some sort

since he keeps rather irregular hours. 

There is absolutely nothing wrong with Motorcycle Man's motorcycle since he just  revved up and took off.  What Motorcycle Man likes to do is idle for about 3 minutes or longer every time he goes off.  Coming back, it's not as bad as it used to be.  Since Motorcycle Man doesn't keep a remote control for the garage door, he has to park in the driveway, open the front door, open the garage door, get on the bike, park the park, open the front door, close the garage door.  I can see the process it takes in that.  

When he leaves, though, Motorcycle Man likes to rev the engine a few times, stand around while the bike runs for about 5 minutes, sometimes even up to 15, and then if he feels like it, does a couple of laps around the neighbourhood, revs some more, lets the engine run, and goes into the house for something, leaving the bike on. 

One day, lawnmowers were out in full force while Motorcycle Man was idling, and we could still hear the bike.  Inconsiderate fucker.

Every time it rains, I think it's great, because it means that Motorcycle Man probably has to take the bus, or drive the car that says "GRAMMA."

* A florist once gave me Gramma's poinsettias to deliver to her when she got home from wherever because it was too cold to leave them outside.  When she got home, I rang her doorbell, carrying this gigantic flower package, and she took FOREVER to open the door, even when she got right to the window.  I don't remember a very audible thank you.

** My friend Jeannette puts it really succinctly when describing these pick up trucks as "the kind that should have a gun rack" because that's an excellent way of describing them.

The characters around here

UGHGHGHGHG.

I think because preschool projects are relatively short term, this screenplay is kind of killing me.  It's not because it's the first draft, it's the SECOND draft.  So it's reworking and rewriting ... which I kind of dread.  Long form dread.

So in an exercise to get into characters, I've decided to use my neighbours around here and describe them to you as I would if I were pitching a sitcom.  Actually, not really.  Pitching a sitcom is a very different ball game.

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Names have been changed.  Sort of.


James and Agatha, late 50s, Scottish, generally quiet except between 9 and 10 pm.
James and Agatha keep to themselves but make polite small talk when asked questions.  Potential to be quite sweet and generous but have never been taken up on such offers (i.e. borrow tools, give a ride somewhere).  They make rare appearances but are frequently heard through their home fixtures, which are of industrial strength.  

Deb and her hubby have devised several theories about James and Agatha.

1:  James and Agatha's house must be like an igloo.  Their industrial-strength air conditioner goes off approximately every 30 minutes and is somehow attached to the brick wall, which heightens the reverberation and thus makes Deb feel dizzy when lying down in the master bedroom and can feel the whir drummed into her brain.

2:   James and Agatha like routine.  They tend to follow similar patterns of coming and going.  James takes a shower when he gets home, because Deb can hear the pipes.
2a)  James and Agatha like routine, so they do it between 9 and 10 p.m. every night.  There's a lot of banging in the basement.

3:  James and Agatha like a clean house.  They vacuum quite often.

4:  Deb has sent over baked goods and once, stuffed meatloaf with roasted broccoli and herbed potatoes in a takeout container for James when Agatha was in Scotland.  They've never returned such a gesture, which brings Deb to these theories:
4a)  James and Agatha do not like our food.
4b)  James and Agatha just don't reciprocate.   
4c)  James and Agatha have dietary restrictions. 

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"You have an overactive imagination."

Yes, yes, I do.  And people pay me for it.